Mama

 

Mama,

We’re four months in without you here….

You missed Mother’s Day.

You missed your summer week here in Texas.

You didn’t get to meet our new puppy, Prince.  By the way, you would love him…he is a lot like you, he does what he wants…and we let him!

Drake came for a LONG visit, you would have known before me though…and then called to see just how excited we were that he surprised us. 

You missed Jaxon starting his first year of high school.   I know you would have called to see how he liked it.  You always made sure to do things like that.  And because of that it was an extra hard day for me. 

Mark and I actually took an anniversary trip this year…you missed those details!

Jaxon got his learners license…yes, scary! 

I’ve wanted to call you a hundred times, and I have thought of you even more.  I’ve cried, I’ve dreamed that you were still alive, I’ve wished you would come back to us. 

I’ve needed questions answered, questions about recipes, things I couldn’t remember so I needed to call you because you had the brain of an elephant.

 I’ve wanted to call you when I thought something was funny because only you would laugh.  I needed to vent so many times and had no one to call.  Working me out on my own is NOT fun…how did you do it?

I wanted to show you the painting Justine did of me…you would have had something sweet and hilarious to say. 

But the worst part is not having you here through all of this hurt.  The pain and tears and struggle is like none I’ve ever known.

I sometimes pretend I hear you say, “Love you baby girl.”

But in all of it…life has the audacity to go on.

And here we are….

We’ve changed.

I’ve learned that I haven’t been living…really living…the kind where you’re actually enjoying life.  Intentionally living.

I am learning to let go of fear’s hand. 

I’m learning to love myself.

I feel like life this year has changed me.

I thought it had broken me…but I’m finding that all the meaningless pieces are just falling away. 

The cycle is not through with me yet. And to be honest, I’m not sure it will ever be.   Guilt, anger, emotional outburst…those creep in every so often.  And that’s okay. 

Love is a funny business.  It hurts when we lose it.  But the one thing I can hold on to is memories.  Right now it just hurts that you won’t be here for all the new ones. 

If there is one thing that I learned while watching you leave this earth…it’s strength.  If I can muster just a little of that to live the way you died, I’ll be more than fine.